Saturn conjunct Pluto

Well, here it is. Saturn is in the last degree of Virgo, the same as my Pluto, and will stay there until the 29th, when it finally enters Libra.

The feeling isn't as dark as I expected, it's more philosophical. I have the feeling that if I gave it some thought, the reasons why some things worked out the way they did would be clear to me; and I feel emotionally detached from my past, as though it was all the inevitable turning of gears with little rational reason for blame or repine. It's peaceful. _Maybe_ this is the detached hindsight typical of the afterlife, but how would I know? All striving is - not vain, but not what it appears to be. We wander a little bit in the dark here on earth and when we put it down, toil and time are put down with it; but meanwhile passions and ignorance are our lot, and wisdom here is just as cold, for without power foresight is dreadful.

So I'm looking at my particular passions and I see them as a little bubble I walk around in, relevant only to myself but coloring everything I see as if the world was made to satisfy them - in fact the world couldn't be more indifferent. I organize my perceptions in a personal hierarchy based on how relevant to my inner drives what I'm relating to seems. That fantasy land is all mine. But we can take a view we build in that way for the truth, and then are ever frustrated that nothing seems to behave as it should.

Focusing such passions on a person is a typical mistake, and leads to drama and disappointment. What other people are in themselves has nothing to do with you. People often do this mutually, for great sex and great hatred later. I totally see the severity of this error in myself. Indulging in fantasies about a person and waiting for them to happen is nothing but retreat into a world of self-created meaning that will surely collapse as reality fails to cooperate, and clinging to that meaning is the same as prolonging pain. Worse, we often encourage each other. This longing for our bullshit hopes and fears to externalize so that the world will resemble the inside of our heads, make sense and do what we want it to do, is a temptation that we even deliberately offer each other as if that slight sense of power makes any difference to our situation at all. We are not alone in the world, but we are always and forever alone in our personal bullshit fantasyland.
Would I slay my passions in order for a chance to experience communion for real, and not the unnatural and vain hope for "union" but all on my terms? This seems like the source of compassion - without the delusion bubble the real beauty and ugliness of things is visible, and it is so pathetic and exquisite. Moreover, it is all one thing - the continuity of it all is more noticeable. It is heart-stirring to behold without the distortions of desire and fear; the artist sees every subject as a universe. The evils that are normally hated seem like the actions of tormented prisoners whose minds have turned upon them like knives, cutting them whenever they move, and the simple natural beings that spontaneously form and grow everywhere seem like frozen starlight.

Oh hey, Jupiter is trine Mercury today. That's probably what I'm vibing with. It's pretty nice, refined and perceptive.